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The Durham Union Society has successfully made the student population of Durham hate them even more.

Following a series of outcries about Conservative favoritism, archaism and sexism, the DUS mounted a staggeringly unsuccessful public relations campaign involving aggressively dismissing any grievances against them, rather than maybe trying to understand where they might have come from.

Whether the Union manages to reshape its message and somehow claw back some semblance of respect amongst the student body remains to be seen.

For previous DuzFeed DUS news, see our earlier piece here: https://duzfeed.home.blog/2019/01/18/durham-union-society-actually-full-of-really-sound-down-to-earth-blokes/

DU is full of guys that are bellends, fact. The precise nature of the bellend however is determined by the sport they play. Have a look below to see which DU bellend you are!

Rugby bellend: The biggest of all bellends, DU rugby lads are notorious. You probably think the sun shines out of your arse, while your mates think you deserve something rammed violently up it. You think VKs and sexual harassment in Jimmie’s constitutes a decent night out, and the defining aspect of your personality is your pint time. Dope blazers tho. Not.

Football bellend: A close second to rugby, in almost all respects. Generally smaller and hence less of an obnoxious presence on a Wednesday night, but every bit as bellend-y and with a touch more douchbaggery mixed in, football lads are up there. Just shut the fuck up about football, alright? It’s not coming home, no one cares if you scored an absolute screamer last game, I didn’t watch the match no, and referees are generally alright actually.

Rowing bellend: You’re so socially awkward its physically painful for those who have to interact with you. All you care about is (admittedly insane) erg times/how early you got up, and telling everyone about both of those things. You barely go out or drink because your chosen sport is essentially a brutal cycle of misery and exhaustion. Fucking ripped though, fair play.

Hockey bellend: Slightly different from the above bellends. Tends to be a bit more posh and have far floppier, blonder hair. Generally less remarkable, the beige of DU bellends.

Lacrosse bellend: You weren’t really good enough to play a standard sport like hockey so you dove into lacrosse to make a DU team. Either that or you’re from the US, in which case fuck knows why you’re here and not at a decent Ivy in the states. Regardless you’re generally far less revolting than other DU bellends, and to be fair you’re actually pretty damn good at your sport, even if it doesn’t really exist in this country and you’d get massacred in the US.

An economics student has received yet another investment banking internship rejection, leading him to ask what the fucking point of existing even is if he can’t sell his soul for at least a 50K starting salary.

Despite Daddy working in the industry, Alexander ‘Xander’ Birch has so far failed to secure an internship at any sort of investment bank, leading him to question his own sense of self worth whilst simultaneously decrying that it’s ‘probably some sort of quota bullshit’.

‘I honestly don’t know what I’m doing wrong’, Mr Birch said when interviewed ‘I went to Eton, I’m social sec for the rugger team, can handle my coke, and I asked Dad to have a word with all his work contacts. But still I’ve got fuck all. I’m starting to wonder what the point in buying this £500 deal sleds was.’

Mr Birch’s search for a job continues. ‘My greatest fear is ending up in accountancy’, he told us.

The Durham Union Society’s membership, and in particular its leadership, is actually packed with lots of ‘really lovely, genuine, and normal’ individuals who are ‘not at all pathologically obsessed with power and status’, the Society’s President Antory Toryman has confirmed today.

Dismissing the outlandish suggestions that the Union is ‘full of fucking freaks and weirdos’ and ‘literally just an incubator for young Tories’,  Mr Toryman said that the Union is a ‘normal society for normal people and doing normal (and not pretentious) things. Very normal.’

Where such a misrepresentative image of the Union Society could have come from is at this stage unknown, though the Union is sure that now that they’ve addressed this problem, people will quickly realize just how lovely an institution it is.

A Castle fresher who just left a prestigious public school has assured his friends and family that the fact that he now literally lives at the top of a Norman Castle over looking a Northern town won’t go to his head.

 Addressing the potential problem, Quentin from Kent said: ‘no, I certainly won’t let my new living situation effect the way I both view and interact with others around me, or mean I develop a misplaced sense of deserving self-righteousness and superiority. I understand the fact that my being given a Castle room was completely random and that I’m immensely privileged to live in such a beautiful and historic sett….bahahahahaha! sike! Of course I’m going to let it got to my head! I went to bloody [redacted] and now I literally live in a fucking castle like the King of fucking the North! Can you believe this shit?! If only the servery staff were as good as the staff at home, this whole deal would be pretty bloody perfect. Now fuck off I’ve got state school kids to bully’

A group of male rugby players have confirmed their plans for an evening good-natured and well-mannered fun to welcome new members to their club, during which everything will be enjoyed in moderation.

Speaking to DuzFeed the social secretary of the club said ‘yeah I thought we’d start about by meeting around 5 for chilled coffee and catch-up at Esquires to see how we’re all doing. Following that I thought we’d take a peaceful stroll together along the riverbank with our new members to get to know them and take some time to contemplate just how lucky we are to study in such a lovely town. The new boys will be able to enjoy getting to know us in a care-free and welcoming environment. Later the boys and I will likely volunteer for a little while at a local homeless shelter (legends), before turning in early to ensure we’re in top form for all our lectures tomorrow. Of course if people wish to slowly enjoy a drink or two over the course of the evening they’re very welcome to, although it is by no means expected. We’re really excited for a seriously pleasant evening’  

Members of the local community are thrilled to hear that the Rugby boys will be back in town tonight, and are looking forward to welcoming them into the local pub, where they often make an effort to fraternize with local customers, and treat the bar stuff with utmost respect. ‘They’re just a pleasure to be around and a shining example of how young sportsmen should behave’ said one resident when interviewed by DuzFeed.

Having received their results and confirmed their places, Durham’s newest intake of Freshers are looking forward to experiencing all of the things that make Durham Durham.

Alongside the standard stereotypical features of the University, freshers are also excited for getting sharked by their college parents, not having any of their school mates visit them even though they said they would, and being seen as way less cool than all their mates who went somewhere fun like Bristol.

Durham Fresher Clementine from Surrey told us: ‘I can’t wait to arrive in Durham. I’m looking forward to making a new group of friends and expanding my social horizons beyond privately educated white people from the South. Durham is a chance to escape the privileged bubble I grew up in and experience a new, likely even more privileged one!’

We at DuzFeed look forward to welcoming all new Freshers to Durham in October. Don’t forget your warm coat and healthy sense of entitlement!