DuzFeed

A privately educated fresher is reported to be in a state of total shock upon discovering that literally the entirety of the leavers from his private school in Surrey are somehow also attending Durham University.

During Freshers this week, the student apparently could not stop bumping into people that he was at school with, which for some baffling reason came as a total surprise to him, despite the frequently reported and much maligned deeply embedded link between elite schools and Durham University.

‘Its so weird’ the Fresher told us ‘Like I totally did not expect so many other people from my elite, costly and highly academic school to also be attending a top university, especially one like Durham. It’s almost as if privilege creates privilege you know? Totally mind-blown mate.’

‘Like so many people are here bro. Hattie, Marcus, Jonty, Harvey of course, and Priscilla. We’re planning on forming like a little drinking group for us all which will be really nice and not at all obnoxious and hateful.’ 

“To be honest I thought that I’d get a bit of a new start up here. Mix with new people from different backgrounds and really carve out a new group of friends for myself whilst really improving my understanding of the diversity of lived experience out there. Now it looks like I have literally no choice but to spend the next three years hanging around the same select group of posh people I’ve been at school with for the last decade, and not even attempt to broaden my social horizons. It’s a shame man.”

Early reviews have been mixed for Durham’s club, ‘Babylon’. Students have long since been excited at the prospect of a ‘absolutely Babylonian’ night out, which the club, situated in the studio/loft complex on North Road, seemed to offer. Early punters have praised the extensive, well-priced and well-stocked bar, as well as the bountiful space available, and generally safe and well-organised nature of the club.

Despite early praise however, some have been left ‘horrified’ and ‘totally mis-sold’ after it transpired that the club was not in fact a re-construction of one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World: the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, with some sources accusing the organisers of misrepresenting the ‘hanging’ and ‘garden-like’ nature of the historic building in using the Babylon name.

Party-goers have been left confused. One said to DuzFeed ‘Myself and my jaw were swaying all night so we presumed the gaff must’ve been hanging on something, and I’m pretty sure I saw something that looked like plants in there, though that might have been my mate’s dreadlocks, idk.”

Upon closer inspection however, it seems that Babylon was neither hanging, not a garden, despite a clear description in its marketing as a ‘hanging gardens’ venue. 

The shock revelation that the Club was not in fact a faithful reconstruction of the historical hanging gardens has had a wave of effects in the Durham community. The Durham Inter City Community Gardening and Greenery Society (DICCGAGS) has been forced to hastily cancel a visit for their members amidst the reports, discouraged by the fact that the only greenery they would see there was vomit on the stairs. Their president was alarmed that the venue was ‘more club anthems than chrysanthemums’.  Meanwhile the Durham University Classics Society has been reportedly rushing through a u-turn of the relocation of its famous Saturnalia ball to the North Road site, to avoid the embarrassment of Classists being seen out in public somewhere even vaguely cool.

In more positive news however, The Durham University Archaeological society still hope that the possibility of ‘unearthing something of the early a primitive nature of humanity’ will be more than possible on a night out in Babylon, despite the newly opened club having no historical significance whatsoever.

The arrival of the Conservative Party Conference on Manchester, and with it the descending of thousands upon thousands of privately educated white people upon the city, has seen Manchester briefly snatch the crown of ‘highest concentration of private school tw*ts’ from Durham, which is famous for being stuffed to the rafters with them due to the University.

Whilst Durham has for decades been a draw for private school twats from far and wide, Manchester was able to briefly beat-out the ancient City, as well as other famed strong-holds of private school tw*ts like Oxford, Cambridge and the entire county of Surrey.

DuzFeed analysis shows that this was mostly because, unlike the University, you don’t actually have to have any formal qualifications to attend the Tory Party Conference, just a lot of money, a misplaced sense of paternalistic entitlement, and a fanatically suicidal devotion to Brexit (though each are said to help in attending Durham also).

Experts expect the concentration of private school tw*ts to return to normal levels in Manchester once the Conference ends and the majority of private school twats return to the country, leaving only the edgy, drug-addled, underachieving private school twats that attend Manchester University behind.

A Durham fresher packing for Uni has over-optimistically packed an entire whole 12-box of Durex condoms, despite being a total lame weirdo.

Only one of these condoms will ever be used, blown up like a balloon as tragic banter at a grim pres. The rest will sit in the dark of his bedside drawer for the entirety of his University Career, slowly decaying like his hopes of ever getting a shag.

The fresher however is apparently laboring under the delusion that he is highly desirable to the opposite sex and that Fresher’s is a basically non-stop shag fest. In reality all that happens for the most part is that Freshers get too drunk for a week and after one or two regretful gets in a club (that they never allowed to forget about) they’re revolted by the idea of sex until at least half way through the year.

When approached for comment, the Fresher told us this “I fully expect I’ll need to buy a new box half way through the week, but I thought a 12-box would be a good conservative number to start with. Don’t want people thinking im a weirdo arriving with loads of condoms you know hawhawhawhaw.”

A Durham fresher is buzzing with excitement at the mere thought of popping on his brand new Jack Wills t-shirt and tearing it up in the club.

Brandon, 18, from Suffolk, is said to be certain that his sick new tee, in a fetching pink with JACK WILLS written across it like a punch to the eye ball, will mean he is literally ‘covered in fitties mate’ and that he will probably ‘pull a different girl every night of freshers like’ armed with his wardrobe of Hollister shirts, lynx Africa and School Leavers 2019 stash.

Sadly of course, the horrible reality that Jack Wills and Hollister is in fact only worn by utter vigins, and that Ralph and Tommy (which are TOTALLY different btw and waaaay more safe fam) are in fact the only cool brands to wear, awaits his discovery. 

No doubt the Fresher will soon learn this and in an attempt to claw back some social credibility will hastily download Depop and spend shit loads on some other overpriced branded shit that’s still actually considered cool.

A lazy university student who does literally no uni work all week, and has never had a job, has been won over by the Labour campaign promise of a 4-day, or 32 hour, working week.

‘As someone who has suffered for too long under the brutal capitalist regime of the five-day working week, I’m fully supportive of the Labour pledge for a four day week’ the student said without even a hint of irony.

The student however was unsure about the Labour promise to abolish private schools, as he was unsure whether his leaver’s hoody would carry quite the same respect around town if his school no longer existed. ‘It’s a really tough one’ the student told us, ‘but either way its important to be poltitcally engaged see what the parties have to offer.’

A lazy university student who does literally no uni work all week, and has never had a job, has been won over by the Labour campaign promise of a 4-day, or 32 hour, working week.

‘As someone who has suffered for too long under the brutal capitalist regime of the five-day working week, I’m fully supportive of the Labour pledge for a four day week’ the student said without even a hint of irony.

The student however was unsure about the Labour promise to abolish private schools, as he was unsure whether his leaver’s hoody would carry quite the same respect around town if his school no longer existed. ‘It’s a really tough one’ the student told us, ‘but either way its important to be politically engaged see what the parties have to offer.’

Durham University has announced a new plan to charge graduating students from the air they and their family breath during the Graduation ceremonies.

During the service, in the world renowned Cathedral, attendees will be monitored on how much air they breath, and charged at roughly 50p per breath of air until they leave the Cathedral. With graduation services lasting over 1 hour, the university is expected to take hefty sums.

In a statement however, the University denied that the move was ‘another heartless money-grabbing move designed to squeeze every last penny out of students before they leave’, saying rather that ‘the charge for breathing air has been set at an appropriate level to reflect the rising costs of Graduation ceremonies and the vital air that they involve’.

Few buy the Universities official line however, with cynicism and criticism of the consistent money-grabbing actions of the University widespread. We’ll keep up updated as to what bullshit they try and pull next.

A Durham student has been welcomed into the renowned Fighting Cocks pub on Crossgate, with a nice friendly pint glass thrown directly at his face.

The pub, a popular amongst local Durham residents, is famed for its openness and inclusivity shown towards Durham students, who on entering are either stared at so intensely they quickly leave, actively told to fuck off, or simply just assaulted so they don’t come back.

The Fighting Cocks is seen as something of a bastion in the town, one of the few places in Durham free of ‘fucking students’ and their oversized jumper, Ralph Lauren cap wearing, rah rah bullshit.

To be fair to the local Publicans, can you really blame them?

Some students are reportedly missing the naughty thrill and dangerous buzz of being on Instagram or watching Netflix when they should be really revising. Free of the pressures of work and exams, procrastinating has lost its risky and pleasing edge for many.

“It’s just not the same”, said one student “part of being on instragram or procrastinating generally is that little rush of self-destructive deviance that comes from being on there when you should be doing something else. Without that naughty thrill, it’s a far more boring experience. I’ve actually been using it way less, because its just not as fun doing it when you don’t have anything else you should be doing.”

Some students have reportedly taken to self-imposing other things they should really be doing, just to get that risky kick when they spend all their time scrolling through shit memes on instragram and facebook instead. The development has worried anyone who is vaguely rational, or has some self-discipline.