DuzFeed

A Hatfield student is really looking forward to the summer, which will be spent at his family’s second, fourth and fifth homes respectively.

He will first fly to Monaco, where his family has a harbor-side apartment, before then briefly popping to the chalet in the alps for brief bit of hiking (though the off-season is terribly unfashionable), before then flying out to a private island in the Caribbean to #getsomerays and harass girls much younger than him on a yacht.

“It’s shaping up to be a really piff summer fam” the Hatfielder said when interviewed, inexplicably talking like he came from a not outrageously rich family,  “I’m hoping Marcus and Hattie, my mates from Bristol, will be able to come out to the yacht so we can smoke it up and laugh about people we know who are poorer than us, its going to safe g. Rah.”

We’ll keep you updated on how this cretin’s summer progresses.

Tesco’s third quarter profits have reportedly jumped over 1 million per cent on the back of sales of prosecco to Durham students alone, who it is reported just wastefully spunk it all over their mates as they leave their final exams.

Tesco’s in Market Square has a faced an onslaught of posh, Adidas-clad, middle-class Durham students marching in and buying £6 bottles of Prosecco at record-breaking rates. Extra staff have repeatedly been brought in to deal with the increased demand of Prosecco on the shelves.

Meanwhile vineyards in Italy are reportedly celebrating in anticipation of the extra demand in years to come, as ever more poshos elect to celebrate their achievements by covering each other in what is essentially fizzy piss-tasting vinegar.

Theresa May has helpfully clarified that she was absolutely coked off her tits running through those wheat fields when she was younger, given it is now acceptable to confess to drug taking. The (soon to be former) Prime Minister famously answered that the most naughty thing she had ever done was run through fields of wheat in her youth, something that literally everyone thought was fucking lame.

However, in the wake of a number of Tory leadership hopefuls admitting to taking drugs, and adding some public acceptability to it, Mrs May has since clarified that she was up to her eyeballs in cocaine at the time, making the act significantly more ‘naughty’.

Perversely, the admission seems to have gain Mrs May some respect among voters and colleagues, though too late to undo a disastrous general election result, Brexit negotiation and withdrawal attempt, or to save her absolute clusterfuck of a premiership.

Michael ‘Govey’ Gove has whacked all his mates in Durham a text asking if they fancy splitting a cheeky gram of coke tonight at Digi for a post-exams big one.

Govey, or ‘the G’ as his safe Durham mates all call him, is clearly up for a massive one at Peggy Gou at Digi tonight, and up for celebrating the end of Durham exams, and the fall of Theresa may and the upcoming leadership contest in a huge way.

Expect to see him in an oversized Adidas tee and a north face puffer, with a rollie, and a key up in his nose in the smoking area. Rah Govey.

The mass of confessions of drug taking by Tory leadership contenders has somehow, against all possibility, made doing drugs deeply uncool.

Admissions from Michael Gove (who smashed lines of cocaine), Andrea Leadsom (who smoked it up g) and Rory Stewart (who smoked bloody opium, rogue), have all served to render drug taking, previously one of the coolest and most fun things one could do I one’s youth, really fucking uncool.

‘I can’t believe it’ said one devastated University student ‘I bloody love doing coke, and I used to think it was a really cool thing to do, especially after I watched The Wolf of Wall Street, but the news that Michael Gove has done it a few times has completely ruined its image, and made it seriously tragic – we’re all moving on to speed and meth now as a consequence, though I’m sure that will work out just fine. If all these Tories keep confessing to drug taking though, soon there won’t be any drugs left.’

A Durham student is genuinely puzzled as to why an anonymously written, creepy, and overtly sexual message, sent to someone they were eyeing up in the library, has failed so far to get them laid by that person.

‘It’s really strange’ the student said ‘I thought I’d done everything right. I Used their initials, made some weird reference to the way they looked, and made some terrible sexual pun at the end like ‘how about you open your legs instead of those books ahahah.’

‘But its just not worked out how I thought it would. The person hasn’t magically identified me out of all the other people that have been making creepy posts about them, like I thought they would, and hasn’t thrown themselves at me, desperate to shag me, which I thought would happen literally immediately after. It’s baffling really.’

A fucking traitor who had maintained to their friends that they had not revised for their upcoming exam, and that they should all just chill, has been revealed to actually be revising a shit load in secret.

Friends effected by the betrayal have been shaken in their confidence that their friend was at least going to fail alongside them, as if their failure is made better by their peers failing as well, which is obviously the case.

The absolute Judas said this when interviewed “yeah I know I said I hadn’t really revised but I only said that because everyone else who was cool said they weren’t revising and weren’t worried so I though I’d look neeky if I said I was revising. What I didn’t understand was that they were basing their not revising off my not revising, and now we’re all fucked and all my mates hate me. It’s gone really well.”

A student’s ‘chill study beats’ playlist on spotify is somehow failing to make that student chill in the face of ever-present exam anxiety.

‘Chill study beats’ had previously been thought of as an incredibly effective means for not only chilling, but studying as well. Chilled study beats reportedly accounts for 130% of exam season listening, with ‘songs to cry to’ and ‘songs that remind you you’re a shame to your family’ being popular as well. This quirk in the effectiveness of the lo-fi playlist is worrying students and scientists alike, as signs of a developed immunity to chill beats start to appear.

“It’s really concerning”, said one student, who was failing to see the classic chilled effect of the playlist, “Chill study beats normally does the job for me, but I think that over the months of listening to it on endless repeat its effect is wearing off. I’m worried I’ll have to turn to Xanax, or heroin, or even worse: an ‘ultimate chill house’ playlist. I can’t face being that basic.”

Scientists will be monitoring closely the continued effectiveness of chill beats playlists, and reporting on recommended steps for those that no longer find the playlists effective.

1. Asking a Hatfielder about their gap year
2. Asking your college porter why their accent is funny
3. Suggesting that the pro-life movement might have a point and seeing what people say
4. Randomly messaging that person you once got with saying you miss them
5. Asking your Mum about how she lost her virginity
6. Asking your ex why your relationship broke down and why it was really your fault
7. Asking your Grandparents about their thoughts on Brexit
8. Going to Trevs
9. Pondering at length which trauma your various personality flaws might have come from
10. Literally dying

A student who was diligently revising in the Billy B claims to have literally just blinked and mysteriously ending up in the Swan, pint in hand, bathed in sunshine.

“It was really weird” the student said, “there I was, cramming like shit for my exam in two days, putting the hours in, and then BAM I ended up here in the pub with all my mates necking pints. Totally bizarre, but I’m not really complaining.”

Students are anxiously waiting to see if the strange phenomenon will strike anyone else, and whether their revision will be similarly jeopardized at this crucial time of year.