DuzFeed

The DSU has claimed to never have heard of any ‘RON’ and to be confused as to why you’re asking, as they’re pretty sure ‘RON’ is not, and indeed never has been a thing, and certainly not something that you can legitimately vote for in a supposedly democratic election designed to give students a voice.

‘I literally have no idea who this RON fellow you guys keep asking about is’ said one smiley but shifty-looking DSU official. ‘Never heard of him, or indeed any RON. You should stop asking and just forget about the whole thing. Have you seen our new elected officers yet by the way? I’m sure you’ll just love them given how many of you voted for them! I love democracy!’

In other news a new banner could been seen draped from the DSU building over the river that read ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength, RON is not real.’ The DSU declined to comment.

THIS ARTICLE IS PART OF A PAID AD FOR THE UCU

The UCU has made another unbelievable black Friday offer to University students this year, with students getting 50% of the teaching they are entitled to, for the same price!

Striking lecturers called it an ‘awesome deal, unlike our pay’ saying students should ‘really take advantage of this offer while it lasts.’

‘Its not often that you get to have over HALF of your teaching taken away, and yet still pay the exact same extortionate price for it’ said one lecturer. ‘To be honest I’m quite jealous.

Students are reported to be loving the offer, with many seeing it as an opportunity to squander their student loans or their parent’s money even more effectively, and without the guilt of not turning up to something that they could and really should have turned up to. ‘This offer is really great’, one told student DuzFeed ‘because while it is of course an absolute rip-off, it allows me to live a lazy yet guilt-free life for a week – and I’m happy to pay for that! Thank Goodness for the UCU and everything they do for students!’

In an unprecedented collaboration between the Durham University Board of Directors, the city’s top student estate agents, it’s favourite predatory developers and Northeastern construction companies (‘The Four Horsemen of the Planning Apocalypse’) it has been announced that literally the entirety of Durham will be converted into student housing within the decade.

This is reportedly part of the current ‘strategic’ expansion and re-structuring plan, which as DuzFeed previously covered, has promised to just ‘unapologetically fuck everyone up the arse’. 

The plans include the development of all of Durham’s famous landmarks, and it’s UNESCO world heritage site. Following the expensive renovation of Durham Cathedral over the last couple of years, it appears that the university has in fact brokered a deal to host freshers within the central bell tower and the naves of the historic Cathedral.The chancellor has been quoted as saying ‘we’ve seen how many students can squeeze in for a carol concert or matriculation, so reckon we can get even more in when there are shared bathrooms and single bed rooms stacked up into the spire.’

Meanwhile the historic Bailey peninsula, with its shops, cafes, pubs and restaurants will also be largely flattened in favour of ‘modern, light, and spacious studio flats’. Local residents and businesses will reportedly be offered ‘discounted rates’ in the student accommodation, by way of compensation for the demolition of their homes and livelihoods necessary to make way for the new shiney student accommodation. ‘Family rooms’ will reportedly be made available.

The university has, as ever, ensured that accomodation will be ‘reasonably priced’ compared to other big cities. It is unknown which big cities exactly, but it is believed to be either Paris or New York, or perhaps Hong-Kong, all of which are of course ‘reasonably priced’. 

The university will also be bravely sacrificing some of its own buildings as the slow transformation of the city into one huge student residential block continues. The Bill Bryson library, Calman learning centre and Students’ Union have all been earmarked for immediate conversion to flats. Advance stages of the plan reveal that literally the entire university including all teaching, learning spaces, and sports facilities will be transformed into Student housing, leaving questions as to where the actual education of all the students will take place. 

As is the norm, the university has declined to comment on whether their decisions will affect students’ academic experience. Local residents could not be reached for comment, as they had all suffered a brain aneurysm from rage.

Prince Andrew has hit back at allegations that he had sex with then 17-year old Virginia Roberts, claiming that he couldn’t possibly have had sex with her on the night in question, as he was having a large one in Jimmies, according to his diary.

‘Well I remember it was a Wednesday night’ he told DuzFeed, ‘and I was having an absolutely huge one with the lads in Jimmies’. ‘All the boys were there, I remember it slightly clearly, Jeffrey was there (but we don’t mention him), and of course the rest of the boys, you know.’

When pressed about his relationship with the young  girl and his recollection of events, and questioned as to how he could be so certain he said “I’m certain because going to Jimmie’s is not a normal thing for me to do. Its very unusual. I’m normally a Player’s Wednesday man but the queue was so long we decided to head to Jimmies instead. That’s why I remember it so well.’

The sequel to the hit film ‘A Quiet Place’ is reportedly to be set in a hauntingly quiet fresher seminar, in which vulnerable hungover freshers , who haven’t done the reading, perilously avoid speaking or making eye contact with the seminar leader in order to survive the hour long peril of having nothing of value to add when asked for their thoughts, before escaping back to the safety of their single beds.

DuzFeed spoke to the producers of the second instalment of the film series, who said “we really wanted to build on the heavy and terrifying sense of dread that comes with being hunted and placed in mortal danger by making any noise at all, as well as continuing to explore the alien and oppressive atmosphere of near-total silence. We think a first year seminar is the perfect setting to be able to do both of those things and craft a really effective horror story.

Concerns have been raised by activist groups however, who have warned that the film might simply be too scary, and risk triggering the PTSD of all those who endured first year seminars whilst at University. ‘Those seminars were some of the most scary and horrific moments of my life’, said one activist, ‘I shouldn’t wish to be reminded of how it felt to go to the seminar having not done the reading, and sit in terrified silence, whilst silently praying that you are not caught and asked a question.’

‘A Quiet Place 2: Fresher Seminar’ is scheduled for release in January.

President Trump has announced new plans to construct what he is calling ‘Wall 2: The Wallening’ around the Bailey in Durham, designed to ‘keep out those filthy Hill college students’. 

Following the spectacular successive of Trump’s first wall along the US/Mexco border, the President has reportedly sought to ‘up his wall game’, with plans to build a wall around the similarly isolationist and discriminatory Bailey. 

At a rally in Durham (UK), Donald Trump used harsh and divisive rhetoric against Hill College migrants, many of whom desperately try to cross the border into the City centre from the ‘shit-hole’ that is the hill, in search of a social life and self-respect.

 Speaking at the rally he said “They’re bringing loud socials. They’re bringing cunty rugby teams. They’re animals. And some, I assume, are good people.” These comments were soon followed by chants from freziend Bailey students of ‘Send them back!’ and ‘Make Durham Great Again’.

Mr Trump’s comments drew criticism from more liberal elements in Durham, with critics saying he is merely stoking and exploiting the long-running cultural tensions between Hill and Bailey students,tensions that the Durham community has long striven to overcome.

 ‘We’re not so different’ said one Durham academic. ‘Hill or Bailey, we’re all human and just want the best for ourselves in life. Its sad that we can’t look to the things that unite us, like a love for Paddy’s, and hatred of Hatfield, rather than that which divides us. Sure, Hill students are a bit weird and all, but we need to welcome them as our less fortunate brothers and sisters.’ 

The dark lord Satan himself has expressed his outrage towards the disrespectful and ‘spacio-temporal imperialistic’ appropriation of his protected ‘evil heritage’ and ‘satanic culture’ by students dressing up for Halloween. The devil is in the detail he says, and he intends to protest against students, typically white females, using any part of his culture as throwaway costumes.

Durham is never far from controversy regarding dressing up themes and these complaints have been no different. On October 31st, thousands of girls are expected to dress up as ‘sexy’ devils as well as ghosts, ghouls and zombies, all of which have been branded ‘cultural appropriation’ by the Prada wearing overlord. Students inexplicably dressing up as characters from superhero films or members of the emergency services are unlikely to be affected. One student who is planning on dressing up as Boris Johnson ‘just for the hell of it’ has been cautioned for his use of language, though the Devil himself commented that if one wants to appropriate ‘evil culture’, dressing as Boris would surely be the best way to do so.

In a DuzFeed exclusive, having been forced to cancel a lunchtime meeting with his newfound friendly neighbour Margaret Thatcher, the Devil himself spoke to us, by means of a Ouija Board purchased in freshers year as a joke and never used again, saying this “I know I’m the devil, and my purpose is to inflict suffering on all sinful beings, but I have feelings and more importantly a heritage and culture that demands respect. To dress up as myself, or any other of my evil cultural companions, when you are not yourself part of that culture, is disrespectful and clearly ‘evil-ist’. Our culture is not your costume.’  

It is unclear what effect the message from the underworld will have on this week’s celebrations, though given Durham students’ general insensitivity to issues like this, probably not much.

A small group of fetuses who are yet to be born, or even show signs of life, have somehow managed to sign a house for their second year in Durham, which will be in 2038. Despite not being scientifically alive or capable of feeling, the fetuses managed to secure a a prime viaduct rental on Hawthorne Terrace, just getting ahead of the usual scramble for housing that kicks off a few weeks into first term.

When approached for comment, the fetuses did not respond, though several mothers did object to DuzFeed reporters screaming at their wombs about how much rent the fetuses would be paying.

This latest trend in the Durham housing market begs the question of just how early freshers will have to start looking to secure a suitable property.

A student at Hatfield college has reportedly flown into a rage of pure disgust upon learning that he has to serve himself food.

Following controversial changes due to the University’s college staff restructuring scheme, many students have been faced with the terrifying prospect of having to actually lift a finger in order to have food in front of them.

For some Freshers, many of whom attended the country’s elite schools, it has come as a great culture shock to be without the usual waiting staff, personal chefs, sommeliers, and butlers that they are used to as standard both at home and at school.

Wails and screams of disgust from Bailey freshers have been heard as far away as France. Residents in Gilesgate however remain safely far enough away. It is believed the majority of the uproar has originated from Hatfield college.

Troubling scenes have been reported of students bulk buying handkerchiefs with which to handle communal utensils, and of some students holding tongs and spatulas the wrong way round, in tragically confused fashion.

One student came forward to reporters to say ‘last year I could handle serving potatoes but now serving the meat too? I can’t bare to be so messy.’ The student was unavailable for further interview as he had a rugby social, where he wanted to get messy, probably by vomiting into his own hands at some point.

Trevs students, who eat meals entirely out of pits with their hands in any case, remain unaffected.

A clueless fresher who was told by his mates to buy tickets to Jam City is struggling to find the right tickets on the Trainline.

‘Its really weird’, the silly fresher told us ‘all my friends keep saying they’re going to Jam City, but I can never seem to find any train tickets to get there. I know they exist because people keep posting in overheard selling them, and my mates always come back to college saying how awful a time they had at Jam City, but I just don’t know where they’re getting these tickets, and I’m too scared to ask. Maybe you have to buy them at the station, or a different website?? Please help. I need to appear cool.’

DuzFeed hadn’t the heart to break it to the poor fresh that Jam City was in fact a club night. In any case, we reckon he’ll likely have a better time attempting to find tickets to some made-up city than if he actually went to Jam City in any case.