Donald Trump has given props to Durham
Union society for generating a PR disaster that, in true Trump style,
successfully combined elements of election fraud, sexism and comments about
rape.
“You know these guys, and they’re good guys
mind you, really good young guys, have really done a great great job of really
fucking this one up. The fake news will say that you know, its really not as
bad as it seems, but these guys, the Union, they really smashed it with this
fuck up. It’s a big fuck up, big” the President said in a speech praising the
Union for its similar levels of general moral shittiness and inability to do much
without doing something dodgy as fuck.
Donald Trump’s comments followed The Durham
Union Society once again out-doing itself with a new Public Relations clusterfuck,
despite giving the previous ones such a good go.
The Union Returning officer – in charge of elections, allegedly rigged an election in favor of
a Secretary previously kicked out of the society for making controversial
comments about rape in a debate.
Successfully combining both election fraud and sexist, backwards comments about women and
rape into one, easy to cover clusterfuck is quite the feat for a relatively
small institution, hence the praise from the President.
We’ll bring you more on this ever-growing
PR disaster as it unfolds.
A student having a quick fag break outside
the library is desperately hoping that some form of smoking related cancer will
get him him before he has to go through the ordeal of taking two exams.
“Honestly, I’m really hoping having a cig
every 15 mins is gonna catch up with me before I actually have to try and sit
my exams” the student told us, and he manically jammed enough lung-ruining
baccy as possible into a rizla.
“To be honest having literally spent more
time smoking than revising, I’ll probably get a 2:2 at this rate, and then my
dad will just kill me instead I guess. That said, if I’m gonna get killed at
some point, I’d rather not have to do my exams in the mean time.”
Rates of smoking in the university have climbed over 500% as exam season approaches, and whilst some genuinely doing it to help with the stress, most others are reportedly only doing it to seem like one of those edgy kids who sit outside the library rolling all the time. Safe.
A Durham student has invented time travel
for the soul purpose of being able to secure a coveted seat in the Bill Bryson
library during exam season.
“Given that you have to arrive earlier and earlier at the library every day just to secure a seat there, I figured it’d be much easier to just research, experiment on, design, and build a functioning time machine that would allow me to travel far enough back into the past that I could secure a seat in the library before 9am’ he told DuzFeed.
“Of course, the library, or indeed anything, hasn’t actually been built yet, but when it is, I’ll be able to bag a prime seat on Level 4 no trouble, without having to get out of bed at like 7:30am. That’s a big win if you ask me.”
His ingenious move follows the literal impossibility of getting a seat in the Billy B beyond 9am, a fact of life that as irked many Durham students. Other students are said to be resorting to even more desperate measures like getting up before 8am, or working somewhere else.
The rising of a student out of bed at 3pm
on Easter Sunday has been greeted with celebration and praise.
‘It’s a miracle!’ said the student’s
Mother. ‘usually they’re not out of bed until at least 4pm, having stayed up
until 6am watching Netflix or drinking or both but we are blessed on this day
with the most unlikely of cosmic events.’
The student reportedly said on his mid-afternoon
appearance back downstairs ‘I preached forgiveness to the lazy, the hungover,
and those in denial about the uni work they still have to do. Can some make me
a bagel? Safe.’
A lazy student has been able to just make
out their chances of a getting a 2:1 in the newly released first ever photo of
a black hole.
Amongst other things that were identifiable
in the photo of the black hole were most students’ loans, and their collective
will to even fucking live in exam term.
“It’s strange, because I though all these
things had genuinely disappeared for ever, but if you look really closely you can
see still they do just about exist, though they are a universe away and on the
edge of being swallowed by an unconceivable entity into a realm of dimension
beyond our comprehension” said one student when interviewed by DuzFeed.
Scientists hope to take further images of
black holes, to discover what else might lie around or in them, such as your
chance of finding a partner at uni, or your parents still being proud of you by
the end of it.
The Bill Bryson library absolutely cannot
wait for students to come crawling back to their toxic relationship with it, DuzFeed reports.
“I know they hate me, and hate being in me,
but they just can’t help themselves…however bad I treat them they always come
back for more” said the library which has a reputation for never having space
in their lives for students, whilst also demanding all their time and attention
when things get stressful.
One student, who tried to break things off
with the library after a stressful summative season said this “I know he’s
terrible, and that he doesn’t treat me or other students right, but I just
can’t stay away. I find myself going back to him at all hours of the day, even
though he gives me nothing back.”
Another student says “I mean sure, he’s
cleaned up his act recently, the new café and bit more seating helps, but
fundamentally he still treats me like crap. I just wish I didn’t need him so
much.”
As exam season approaches and students
realize they have to knuckle down and study, the Bill know they’ll be right
back where he wants them.
About the most smackable there is, looks
like a racist Jar Jar Binks and responsible for most stirring up a lot of the
worst popular sentiments in the UK today. Always seen smiling with pint in
hand, a man of the people, its only fitting to glass him in the face with a
pint of proper English Ale. Sorry about that nice tweed Nige, it’ll wash out.
Michael Gove – YE SMACK HIM ONE!!
Fucked us about as badly as Boris, but
without being at all entertaining and mostly irritating. Whilst he gets points to him for stabbing
Boris in the back and fucking his chances of leadership, him being a traitor
does make him even more annoying. Plus his face is just really smackable. I
mean look at him. 11/10 would smack.
Boris Johnson – really fucking badly
Boris is incredibly smackable, besides the
fact he’s basically fucked the country by securing the leave vote, its
intriguing what sort of noise he’d make as you smacked him. His bumbling antics
whilst once charming and funny are now just irritating and make him straight up
smackable, even more so if he becomes PM.
Jacob Rees-Moog – Fisticuffs! Ah-ha!
Wouldn’t so much be a smack as a bout of fisticuffs. Naturally you’d let him remove his tie and glasses and his pinstripe jacket before smacking him one, its only gentlemanly. Afterwards he’d probably just say ‘oh my’ and offer some rebuke in Latin about those who show violence being weak, but you won’t care, he’s a patronizing old Tory who’s determined to fuck the country for the gain of his own investment fund. Very smackable.
Theresa May – a little bit but you’d feel bad after
Alright, she’s made a bit of a mess of
thing, yes, and she looks a bit like a witch who’s had a shopping trip with her
fashion friends, but Theresa isn’t actually that punchable. More than anything
the poor woman must be exhausted and done with literally everyone’s shit at
this point, so you’d feel guilty for clocking her one after all the hard work
she’s put in screwing it up.
Savid Javid – Not worth it mate
Bit slimely and probs got bullied at school
for being short, plus his head is fucking shiney but…actually not that
smackable all things considered. Bit limp and wet, looks like he’s been bought
in for bring-your-child-to-work day and then stayed on as Home Secretary. Pull
the punches for someone else.
Jeremy Corbyn – too easy, too sad.
It’d be like smacking your Grandad, even if
he is fucking delusional and useless (much like your Grandad). Plus that stern
look over the glasses would immediately set you to rights. Sorry son, its too
easy, and sad.
Nicola Sturgeon – Not at all she’ll knock you out
Scottish, fed up with the British, tough
woman. She’d absolutely knock you out if you tried it, and look decent in a
skirt suit whilst doing it.
John Bercow – ORDEERR!!!
‘ORDER!!! OR-DERRR!!! The honourable
Gentleman will lower his fist!!!’ I mean you could try to smack him but you’d
probably be barked at and rebuked before you pulled your punch half way back.
Plus Bercow is angry bastard, accused of lobbing phones at people in his office
and slamming desks, as well as savaging MPs in the commons. You don’t wanna go
for him, he’ll deck ya.
Normal news outlets such as The Tab, Babe, and Vice UK are today
pathetically attempting satire for April fools day, in a bid to be not only be
bad at news reporting, but at being funny as well.
Newsfeeds and homepages have been spammed
heavily by unfunny headlines and far too obvious pranks, with jokes that don’t
really hit home or are just a bit shit. Audiences are already said to be
fucking bored sick of it, and wish they could just go back to having good satire
on occasion.
In the mean time DuzFeed, an objectively funny satirical publication by nature, is
today reporting on real news, you know like proper news, like Brexit and stuff.
They might even do a better job of that than The Tab.
Durham University has announced new plans
to just unapologetically fuck everyone in the arse, after its operations
restructuring plan was met with almost universal outcry.
The operations restructuring would see many
of the services vital to colleges – such as porters, cleaners and other staff –
be centralized, in a move that nearly everyone in the university has opposed,
and warned would ruin the distinctive collegiate system that defines Durham.
In response to the unprecedented outcry
from staff and students, the university has announced that it is pressing
forward with a new plan, which is simply to bend everyone over and screw them
up the arse without saying sorry. Experts reckon this will have similar effects
to the original restructuring plans.
A student handing in their dissertation has
been revealed to have spent more time thinking of a witty dissertation –themed
pun to caption their hand-in instagram pic with, than on actually writing their
dissertation.
The student reportedly mused over using
several captions such as ‘diss-troyed the diss!’ and ‘no diss-appointments
here’ before finally settling on the caption ‘a well diss-erved break coming
up!’ after several months of thinking of captions, and not writing her
dissertation.
The student told DuzFeed when interviewed, that she spent at least 30% more time
thinking of captions than on the project itself. “I mean yeah getting a 2:1 on
what should be the crowing achievement of my time at University is great and
all, but I REALLY wanted a 100 likes on my hand-in gram, and I think that’s what
really matters.”
We’ll keep you up to date as diss hand-in
season continues, and the fucking awful puns keep coming.
DuzFeed 