DuzFeed

Everyone who has seen the Madeline McCann documentary on Netflix is now all of a sudden a fucking expert detective, who has easily solved one of the most high profile and controversial disappearances in modern history, DuzFeed has found.

Viewers of the show have been confidently declaring ‘the parents absolutely did it’ or ‘burglars did it’, naturally drawing on their years of expert training and practical experience as seasoned crime solvers.

“I can’t believe they haven’t worked it out yet” said one viewer, “when the documentary gave me the facts I solved it right away. I’m basically Sherlock Holmes.”

How the crime went unsolved for so long is now being investigated, given how easily the numerous arm-chair detectives cracked it.

Going for a ‘quick one at the Swan’ has been revealed as the single biggest threat to Durham students succeeding in their degrees, a new study by DuzFeed has revealed.

The report suggested that continually being talked into having ‘just one pint’ with your mates, rather than doing your work, and then sinking four or so, is not conducive to academic success. Such findings were a surprise to many Durham students.

“I had no idea being in here so often was so dangerous” said one third year, “but it does make sense I guess – I’ve always wondered why when I go to the Swan, I still have the same amount of work to do when I get back as I did before I went. Weird. Anyway, Taddys? ”

Whether the findings of this new study wil dissuade students from spending some much time as the revered pub remains to be seen, but experts are not optimistic.

In a shocking occurrence, a heavily intoxicated rugby boy has managed to return home from a night, and not urinate in his own bed, or indeed anyone else’s.

“Honestly, it was surprisingly easy to avoid doing really”, the boy, who will remain anonymous, told DuzFeed. “I just sort of went to the loo and pissed in that before going to bed, rather than pissing in the bed. Quite simple when you think about it really, I’m surprised more of the lads haven’t worked it out.”

Rugby boys are notorious for pissing in their beds, and most often in the beds of girls they’ve gone back from the club with. It is believed that there is at least a 95% chance that any given rugby boy will piss the bed after a night out, leading to  an epidemic of bed-pissing that has worried housemates and chirpses alike.

Whether this discovery of simply going for a piss before going to bed will have an effect on rates of bed-pissing remains to be seen.

The Prime Minister Theresa May was today caught by parliament trying to pass off her previous formative essay, as her new summative essay, despite making no substantial changes to it whatsoever.

The Prime Minister was reportedly hoping that MPs would not recognize that the essay had been almost totally unchanged, and that a new font and margin settings would be enough to fool them into thinking it was a totally new essay and giving it a nice 2:1.

MPs however were not fooled, and immediately ridiculed the Prime Minister for her amateurism, and her indeed her arrogance in trying to get passed MPs something they had seen before and rejected as crap.

What the Prime Minister does now to save her grades is at this stage unclear, although the chances of her failing the module by not handing in an essay are steadily increasing.

In a shocking occurrence, a heavily intoxicated rugby boy has managed to return home from a night, and not urinate in his own bed, or indeed anyone else’s.

“Honestly, it was surprisingly easy to avoid doing really”, the boy, who will remain anonymous, told DuzFeed. “I just sort of went to the loo and pissed in that before going to bed, rather than pissing in the bed. Quite simple when you think about it really, I’m surprised more of the lads haven’t worked it out.”

Rugby boys are notorious for pissing in their beds, and most often in the beds of girls they’ve gone back from the club with. It is believed that there is at least a 95% chance that any given rugby boy will piss the bed after a night out, leading to  an epidemic of bed-pissing that has worried housemates and chirpses alike.

Whether this discovery of simply going for a piss before going to bed will have an effect on rates of bed-pissing remains to be seen.

A lazy Durham student is really looking forward to using their ludicrously expensive Freeman’s Quay Gym membership for the third time this year.

The membership was reportedly brought in a burst of positive energy by the student at the start of the academic year, when they said they were going to ‘starting going to the gym, spend more time on their work, and drink less.’ None of these things even came close to happening.

‘At this point I’m basically paying to feel shitty everyday about not going to the gym and contemplate what I could have spent the money on, like something I actually enjoy. Still I’m really looking forward to getting into the gym this evening to do some walking on the treadmills for a bit followed by a few terrible bicep curls before heading home. Big sesh lads!’

Whether this particular student will manage to fit a fourth visit in before the end of the year is at this stage unclear.

The Divine Lord has unveiled his 11^th Commandment, banning – alongside murder, theft, and false witness – silly freshers working in the overcrowded Billy B during the summative and exam seasons.

In a highly anticipated revelation, God added to the original and well known 10 Commandments with this 11^th one saying “For it is formative year, fresher, and I as your lord declare that you need not that library space, nor that in demand book for your essay, for I am the Lord your God.”

Second and third years have welcomed the new Divine commandment, whilst freshers have naturally objected to the move, with many threatening to convert to Satanism in light of the news.

Students across Durham have announced that they are giving up summatives for the lent period, starting today.

“I really really enjoy doing my summatives and always relish the opportunity to do just one more assignment, so I’m not quite sure if I’ll manage to go a whole MONTH without doing a single summative, but I’m up for the challenge” said one student when interviewed by DuzFeed.

The move has been welcomed by university markers, who will suddenly have far fewer terrible assignments to read and mark, giving them even more time to not reply to emails for several days, and provide inadequate module information and teaching. The move has however sparked concerns about how students will actually get their degrees, though given how competent the University is, everyone is sure they will work it out.

The Prime Minister Theresa May is said to be desperately trying to come up with some valid excuse to get an extension on her Brexit summative, which is due on March 29^th.

The summative assignment counts for 60% of a module, and for the United Kingdom’s future economic and political prosperity, as well as the very social fabric of our nation.

Despite having been set the assignment nearly 2 years ago, the Prime Minister as made little headway with it. Friends who have read over her essay says it lacks the real punch needed to get a first, whilst others say it fails to satisfy the demands of the markers and moderators, who have supposedly always been clear about what they wanted from the summative piece.

“What’s even sadder is that Tezza hasn’t really even been enjoying Uni instead of falling behind on the summative. He’s not been going out on Wednesday’s with us, even for a quick pint, but yet she’s still managed to fuck it whilst supposedly putting her all into it” said one of her course mates when interviewed.

Whether Theresa’s department, the UK Parliament, will grant the extension, remains to be seen.

Durham students frustrated by the pathetic walking pace of many of their fellow students have crowd funded drive by shooters to pick off slow walkers with a quick spray of bullets from an Uzi sub-machine gun.

Two cars will patrol up and down Church Street, ready to mow down anyone that looks as if they are holding other people up in any way. An additional van will be present to clear away the bodies of those deemed to slow, which will be taken to landfill where they belong.

It is hoped the robust measures will increase the pace of foot traffic between the center of town and the Durham University Science Site. The move has been welcome by almost everyone except people with short legs, who remain at disproportionate risk of being brutally gunned down in broad daylight.