DuzFeed

Talks at the joint US-North Korea Nuclear summit broke down yesterday over a disagreement about which Durham take-away was superior after a distinctly average night out: Paddies or Urban Oven.

President Trump was reportedly said to be in support of Urban Oven, saying their pizzas used better dough and the fact that they sell dessert. Kim-Jong Un was reportedly a more of a Paddies guy, declaring their Pizzas to be overall ‘far superior’ and that Urban Oven was ‘fucking shite mate.’ Both leaders were however reportedly united on the issue that Subway was not a valid alternative to either Paddies or the Oven.

Whether talks will be able to resume in the future, or whether either leader will give ground on the issue of best takeaway in Durham remains to be seen. Meanwhile tensions between the two nuclear powers continue to simmer.

Global warming is actually not that bad if it means you can stroll about in a t-shirt and enjoy a pint outside at the Swan in February, everyone has decided.

Despite continued insistence from scientists that global warming and climate change will wreck havoc on the environment and drastically effect the lives of millions, destroying lives and habitats, most people have now decided that’s alright because it means they can sometimes go outside and not been fucking freezing in the middle of winter.

“Yeah I mean like its obviously not great that global warming is happening and that we’re rapidly barreling towards an environment crisis’ said one student when interviewed by DuzFeed, ‘but on the other hand it means I can get pissed in the park at a much earlier stage in the year than I would otherwise be able to. We have to weigh these things up you know.”

Whether this freakish weather will continue to occur more frequently remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: it does have its benefits.

The un-seasonally warm weather and bright sunshine has categorically destroyed any last remaining hope for many Durham students that they might actually get their summatives done in time for once.

As temperatures hit highs of above 20 degrees, breaking records, it reportedly became literally impossible to stay in the library and resist the temptation of a quick one or four pints at the Swan.

An unprecedented number of students are anticipated to apply for extensions for their summative work, with module leaders braced for an onslaught of totally bullshit excuses

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced that he is now backing having a second pint at The Swan, having previously insisted that such a move was totally  ruled out, and not in the interests of the nation/lads. The move comes amid concerns that the lads will soon crash out of the pub with a no-deal exit on where to head afterwards.

The move signifies a U-turn in policy for the Labour party, who had up until this point had insistent that second pint was not on the table. Whether Mr Corbyn will continue to move towards multiple pints and the potential for a quick Jimmie’s remains to be seen.

School girl Shamima Begum, who left the UK in February 2015 to join terrorist group ISIS, has rejected an official offer of asylum from Trevs, opting to stay in the refugee camp she is currently in as it ‘cannot possibly worse than Trevs.’

Begum is currently nursing a new-born baby son in the refugee camp, and is hoping to be able to return to the country in order to raise him in safety. However it appears that even the possibility of being able to do this, was not enough for her to consider an offer from Trevs.

Speaking to DuzFeed, Shamima said this: ‘Honestly, I’ve seen some shit in my time here. Executions, drone strikes, deaths, fierce fighting. I’ve been living in a besieged and ruined city, without food and water and basic supplies. But somehow a life a Trevs still looks like shit in comparison.’

DSU election fever has once again hit Durham, as candidates campaign for votes to become DSU officers. As it is every year, the entirety of the student population has been gripped by the upcoming elections, and has been deeply engaged with the candidates, their policies, and the future direction of the Student Union.

‘I absolutely love DSU election time” said one third year DuzFeed interviewed, ‘it’s all incredibly exciting, its basically like House of Cards, but even cooler and with more high political drama!’ ‘I always try to get involved with the elections’ said another student interviewed, ‘everyone around me is always so engaged with the DSU and cares so so deeply about who runs it and how next year, you can’t fail to get caught up in the excitement of it all.’

Voting in now open for the DSU Officers elections, make sure you get online to vote in these vital elections!

A Durham third year student has posted on the ‘Overheard in Durham’ Facebook page, looking for his lost iphone and also his will to live.

Posting on the group he said “lost my phone somewhere between the viaduct and Jimmies. Will to live was lost somewhere between end of second year and mid way through this term. Will repay in pints if found xoxo.’

As summative season approaches, and the threat of the dissertation looms ever closer, third years and other finalists are facing increasing amounts of stress, as well as concerns about what the fucking point is anymore. Those without solid plans for next year also face another potential will killer, as everyone around them seems to secure jobs in the city or have awesome plans for a gap year.

Pretty much everyone going to aggression sessions absolutely cannot wait to see their mates get completely battered in the ring.

“Honestly mate, I can’t wait to em get smacked in the gob, been a long fucking time coming if you ask me” said one ticket-holder for the event when interviewed by DuzFeed. Another said “our mate thinks we’re all going to support him and cheer him on in the fight, but really we’re going to see him get absolutely laid out in the ring, so that we can constantly remind him of his failure for months to come.”

Aggression Sessions has managed to build incredible hype around the event, pointing to the fact that many people are desperate for the chance to see their supposed friends getting hit repeatedly in the face, satisfying their feelings of deep resentment built up over the years at uni.

Aggression Sessions takes place on the evening of the 28^th of February. The event is unsurprisingly sold out.

A Castle fresher who just left a prestigious public school has assured his friends and family that the fact that he now literally lives at the top of a Norman Castle over looking a Northern town won’t go to his head.

 Addressing the potential problem, Quentin from Kent said: ‘no, I certainly won’t let my new living situation effect the way I both view and interact with others around me, or mean I develop a misplaced sense of deserving self-righteousness and superiority. I understand the fact that my being given a Castle room was completely random and that I’m immensely privileged to live in such a beautiful and historic sett….bahahahahaha! sike! Of course I’m going to let it got to my head! I went to bloody [redacted] and now I literally live in a fucking castle like the King of fucking the North! Can you believe this shit?! If only the servery staff were as good as the staff at home, this whole deal would be pretty bloody perfect. Now fuck off I’ve got state school kids to bully’

The queue for Saturday brunch at Flat White has become so long that it reaches around the entire circumference of the globe. The queue is now roughly four month long, although that has not deterred many customers, who are desperate for their scrambled eggs on sourdough, coffee, and the obligatory instagram story.

‘I know it’s a bit of a wait’ said one person in the queue ‘but its worth it for the chai latte and the pancakes. YUM!’

Despite the existence of numerous other cafés and restaurants in Durham, many of which sell literally the exact same things for less money, Flat White has remained insanely popular among fucking basic students.