DuzFeed

 The Durham University central body has decided to get rid of the DSU building after watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and realizing that it does not spark joy, and should therefore be destroyed.

In an official statement, the University said: ‘Upon further reflection, Durham University has realized that Dunelm House does not spark joy within us, or indeed literally anyone because its butters. As such, we have taken the frankly easy decision to get rid of it, effective immediately.’

Trevelyan College is also rumoured to be a risk of being scrapped, with the University currently investigating if it sparks joy or not. Few members of the college are optimistic about the outcome. The University has said this: ‘we’re currently undecided about the joy sparking ability of Trevs, but should be college itself be gotten rid of, Trevs students will also sadly be gotten rid of, because they definitely fail to spark joy in anyone. Also hexagons are weird lol.’

A university group project is going really fucking excellently, DuzFeed has discovered. The project is going so well that all the students expect to get 1^st in the project and to remain firm friends afterwards.

“The project has been an all round great experience’  said one student when interviewed by DuzFeed, “everyone has been pulling their weight and doing their bit, and we’ve successfully combined our knowledge and skills to produce a well rounded and worthwhile project, without any mishaps.”

Whether such an experience is at all common amongst students who undertake group projects is at this stage unknown, though there is a growing sentiment that group projects are just a brilliant and informative way for students to both learn and be assessed.

Durham club night Jam City is rebranding itself as Marmalade Town, in an effort to revamp its image and attract more students. The well-known club night, now several years in old, is making an effort to maintain its brand dynamism.

‘Marmalade Town we think captures what we’re all about now: Marmalading in the Town…whatever the fuck that means’ said former Jam City rep Justin. ‘We think the revamped night at Loft will prove a huge hit with students who like Marmalading to the best tunes in Durham. Hit me up for wristbands, annoying messages about drinks deals, and 3am U Up? texts after buying a wristband off me once.’

In other news, emergent Durham club night OPAQUE is reportedly considering a name change to ‘TRANSPARENT’ to address concerns about a lack of clarity in its organization.

Durham Bus Station is to be added to the list of wonders of the world, joining monuments like Machu Picchu, the Roman Colosseum, and the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio. It will be the eighth wonder to be recognised on the list.

With its amazing 1970s architecture and decoration, ASBO school kids smoking outside harassing strangers, and overall beautiful atmosphere, the Bus Station has long been a popular attraction within the City.

It was only recently however the locals campaigned for it to be recognized as wonder of the world, given its historic attraction and stunning beauty. Tourists from across the country and from abroad are expected to flock to the Bus Station in light of its new award, taking the opportunity to see the lesser attractions of Durham Castle and Cathedral at the same time.

A completely boring and average third year student has resigned himself to a career in accountancy, unable to bring himself to work hard enough or be interesting enough to secure literally any other career that might be more fulfilling.

Speaking to DuzFeed, the student said ‘I know its not sexy or fun or interesting or literally anything good, but its stable and pays semi-well and frankly I’m one of the most depressingly uninteresting people you’ll ever meet, so it’s totally fitting. I’m sure I’ll be suitably unhappy but to be honest I have no ambition in life and I’m prepared to settle for this utterly grey existence.’

Whether a career in accountancy is everything the student’s parents hoped that they’d amount to in life, is at this stage unknown.

Every year hundreds of boring students fall victim to the fate of accounting at PwC, EY or the other ‘big four’ accountancies. Many of them continue to be boring for their whole lives, before eventually dying.

A writer for the Tab has won the prestigious Pulitzer Prize for journalism, a clear recognition of their groundbreaking and high quality work.

The writer published such incredible articles as ‘we can tell what kind of weird random thing you are from this quiz’ and ‘I did this weird thing that no one asked me to do for a week and this is how it turned out I guess’.

The writer was also praised not only for their political impartiality and level-headedness, but also their penetrating analysis of key student issues like what some silly twat did on Love Island, and how you should be fingering girls/giving hand-jobs.

The writer joins a long line of Tab journalists who have received awards and prizes for their truly vital work.

Seriously the Tab is trash.

A recent DuzFeed study has found that you are, at any given moment and in any given place within Hatfield college, never more than 6ft away from someone who went to a prestigious public school.

Much like rats in major cities, public boys are seemingly everywhere within the college, causing many to raise concerns of an ‘infestation of poshos’. How this infestation is to be dealt with is currently a hotly debated issue.

Many however are hardly surprised at the news given the college’s reputation as a ‘hotbed of posh twattery’ and ‘basically an incubator for offensively rah kids.’  

Whether the college will do anything to stem the rising tide of poshos remains to be seen.

A returning fourth year student has been shocked to find no one really gives a fuck about their supposedly life changing experience on their year abroad.

On trying to bring the fact that they did a year abroad into a conversation, the fourth year reported being met with several eye-rolls, a yawn, and even a ‘seriously shut the fuck about your year abroad mate no one cares.’

Alongside not really being interested in what they got up to whilst away, several friends of the student reported ‘not really noticing they were gone tbh’ and ‘not really missing them anyway, they should’ve just stayed out there.’

Whether the fourth year feels their whole year of cultural enlightenment was even worth it if they can’t tell their mates about it, remains to be discovered.

The models college charity fashion shows are absolutely doing it for the sole reason of helping to raise money for a charitable cause, and not at all doing it to show off how fit they are in front of their ugly friends in order to get an ego boost, a DuzFeed investigation has found.

The models were even said to be reluctantly participating in the show, but said they would do it if it would really help all the starving children. ‘I mean I really don’t want to strut along a catwalk in just my underwear to the excited cheers and cries of people, becoming the centre of attention and having people fall for me…BUT if that’s what will raise money for charity, then I’m happy to take that bullet’ said one model we interviewed.

Such commitment to charitable causes can only be applauded.

*Editorial note: despite the cynicism of this article, DuzFeed does think charity fashions shows are great events for great causes, even if the models have other motivations to take part asides raising money for charity!

Male DU Ultimate Frisbee boys absolutely cannot keep girls away from them, and are ‘literally drowning in pussy’ according to sources interviewed by DuzFeed.

Playing such a cool and well-respected sport is, according to one DU Frisbee player ‘an absolute panty-dropper’. ‘I literally have to mention that I play Frisbee, and I’m instantly covered in girls’, said one player, ‘I had to leave my long-term girlfriend because I was just completely overrun by potential sexual partners.’

Frisbee boys have come to be seen as the ultimate alpha-males at Durham Uni. So-called Rugby lads, once the prime attraction to Durham girls, have been categorically annihilated on the Wednesday sports night clubbing scene, as DU Frisbee boys have taken Lloyds and Players by storm each night, pulling literally every girl, and a decent amount of boys, in the vicinity.

The question is then – how will you pull a DU Frisbee boy?