DuzFeed

A male Durham fresher has solidified his status as cool by purchasing a Ralph Lauren cap, that he’s pretty sure no one else in Durham has.

‘Yeah I just saw it on-line and thought it looked cool, and hadn’t really seen anyone about wearing one, so I thought why not? Goes really well with my black North Face puffer jacket right?! Ahahaha so safe.’

Despite it being quite a risky move buying an accessory that is not yet tried and tested in the Durham market, the unnamed fresher is sure that his cap will win him fans, and not make him stand out as a ‘public school road man’ in any way.

A group of male rugby players have confirmed their plans for an evening good-natured and well-mannered fun this coming Wednesday night, during which everything will be enjoyed in moderation.

Speaking to DuzFeed the social secretary of the club said ‘yeah I thought we’d start about by meeting around 5 for chilled coffee and catch-up at Esquires to see how we’re all doing. Following that I thought we’d take a peaceful stroll together along the riverbank and take some time to contemplate just how lucky we are to study in such a lovely town. Later the boys and I will likely volunteer for a little while at a local homeless shelter (legends), before turning in early to ensure we’re in top form for all our lectures tomorrow. Of course if people wish to slowly enjoy a drink or two over the course of the evening they’re very welcome to, although it is by no means expected. We’re really excited for a seriously pleasant evening!

Members of the local community are thrilled to hear that the Rugby boys will be back in town tonight, and are looking forward to welcoming them into the local pub, where they often make an effort to fraternize with local customers, and treat the bar stuff with utmost respect. ‘They’re just a pleasure to be around and a shining example of how young sportsmen should behave’ said one resident when interviewed by DuzFeed.

Students living in the Viaduct who have to get up and down large hills on their way to and from home have just been told to not even bother trying today, as heavy snow and cold temperatures make getting anywhere without falling over almost fucking impossible.

On the upside, the snow has meant that many students feel substantially less guilty about not going to the lecture they were going to miss anyway, with the snow offering some semblance of a justified excuse to not go.

Ludicrously over-priced Canada Goose jackets now also seem like a justified purchase for the first time this year in Durham, the snow giving a least one day where people can wear them and not be thought to be a prick.

More news on the snow as we get.

A girl in Durham has a quiet suspicion that flared trousers and jeans might just be the next big thing in Durham.

When interviewed, the fashion oracle said “I can’t be totally sure yet, but my guess is that flares like all our Mum’s wore in the 70s, might just stage a come back and become cool again. I’m keeping it on the DL for the minute though, don’t want to be embarrassed by my guess right?? Ahahaha xo”

That literally all the girls in Durham would suddenly stop wearing skinny jeans and jack wills t shirts and suddenly start dressing like they’re from the 70s is admittedly an outlandish suggestion. But hey, anything can happen in fashion right?

The debate between pro-life and pro-choice students at Durham University is going really bloody well, and has been really constructive so far, DuzFeed has found in a recent investigation.

Both sides have apparently been patiently listening to and trying to understand the other’s point of view, in an effort to find some sort of common ground from which they might build better relations.

“Whilst I am unwavering in my commitment to God and the Church, and the beliefs that come with it, I understand that not everyone shares this faith, and has differing opinions about the duties and rights of women. I’m opening to listening to their view whilst politely sustaining my own” said one pro-lifer.

One pro-choicer said this “While the concept of holding some ancient doctrine over the rights of modern women seems strange to me, I’m doing my best to understand what it’s like to have a root in religious life, and how this affects one’s views on certain issues”

That both sides have made such an effort to be understanding and non-confrontational is thought to be why the debate has been so constructive so far. We’re sure that they’ll eventually come to some agreement soon, possibly involving a compromise where women are allowed to have abortions, but must suffer in a new special circle of hell reserved for them, before then progressing to the fullness of heaven.

DuzFeed can reveal after a groundbreaking investigation that the dance floor at Jimmy’s is still more crushing than the weight of your parents’ unmet expectations and general disappointment, and indeed even more depressing.

The intense pressure in the confined space of Jimmy’s was found to be at least twice as crushing as the knowledge that you’ve completely let your parents down during your time at University.

 Despite the fact that you and others like you are have been truly crushed by things your parents have said about you like  ‘what the fuck did we pay for all those school fees for?’ and ‘you’re a disappointment to this family’, The dancefloor in Jimmy’s  was found to be still more crushing both physically and emotionally.

In related news, DuzFeed has also found that a night out at Klute is still way more tragic than the fact that your parents never really loved you anyway, which became clear after your Oxbridge rejection.

A male physics student has successfully initiated and sustained an entire conversation with a female.

The groundbreaking achievement was seen in full by several open-mouthed witnesses, who reporting seeing the young student being ‘completely and totally normal’ and ‘functioning like a proper member of society’. Such behavior is unusual for physics students, who of course have a deserved reputation of being fucking odd balls.

When interviewed about his wild successful, the student told us ‘I don’t know how I did it. Normally when I’m trapped in a conversation with a girl I end up talking about something I like, such as differentiation or the ripeness of her breasts, and then they look at me funny and walk away. This time I didn’t do that.’

A possible theory is that this conversation was able to take place as the female in question was doing both Veganuary and Dry January, and literally would not stop talking, giving the physics student little opportunity to say anything other than simple affirmations of agreement, and allowing the limited conversation to continue without him being strange.

Whether other physics students will be able to pull off this groundbreaking feat remains to be seen.

The liver of student doing Dry January is totally baffled by the fact that it’s not being constantly battered with an obscene amount of alcohol.

‘I usually have to work pretty hard around here to process all the shit that gets put inside this idiot’s body’ said the liver, ‘but since the start of the month there has been literally no alcohol for me to sort out. I’d say I’m relieved but I’m almost bored.’

‘Another thing, if this guy thinks that having a few weeks off is going to fix or postpone the damage done around here, he’s wrong. It’s all ruined already, and he’ll be right back on it like organ-destroying weapon soon enough.’

Dry January has been a popular new trend amongst health conscious students who are convinced that taking a single month off booze, whilst regularly binge drinking, arguably harder, for the rest of the year, will actually provide some health benefit. It’s usually compared with a new-found holier-than-thou attitude, and increased levels of being fucking boring. 

Your un-started dissertation project has nonchalantly asked to confirm that you’re still just ignoring it, despite the rapidly mounting pressure to start work on it so you don’t fail your degree.  

The 12,000 word project, due in roughly 8 weeks time, wants to know if at this point you just genuinely don’t care, or if you’re just so incapable of being productive that its concerning.

‘Seriously mate, this is a getting a little bit much now’ it said. ‘Like I’m all for not taking work too seriously and all, but the fact that you’ve done no reading and basically don’t have a title is a bit fucking concerning. I don’t wanna end up with you writing me totally bat shit crazy wired on up caffeine and Adderall a day before the deadline. Get your fucking shit together.’