DuzFeed

A Durham fresher was savagely killed yesterday in Bill Bryson library, after it emerged that he was taking up an entire desk to work on his 1500 word formative, due in three weeks time.

A gang of rabid finalists descended on the helpless fresh when he was overheard complaining loudly to a friend how much of a nightmare the assignment was, and how stressed he was getting. The finalists reportedly dragged him to the top of the library, and threw him from the roof, before remembering they had summative work to do and hurrying back to their desks.

When asked about events, one finalist said “They should know better. Everyone knows that prime library space is the God-given, natural, inalienable right of finalist students. I mean sure I worked here as a fresher and asserted my right to the space back then, but it’s different now.”

Meanwhile the furious war between freshers and finalists continues, with no end in sight.

The freshers’ family has been informed.

The admission that you go to Trevelyan College has been announced as officially the most tragic phrase you could possibly say, DuzFeed can reveal.

Beating out close competitors of ‘yeah my Dad left when I was five’ and ‘yeah they were cheating on me all along’ the absolutely gut-wrenchingly tragic phrase was found to garner far more pity and sympathy than almost anything else that you could say to a person.

Ollie, an orphan who lost both his parents in a freak accident when he was young, and who has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness after finding out that his surviving family stole his inheritance and that his brother was sleeping with his girlfriend said to us: ‘Yeah I mean I tell people about that awful things that have happened to me, and I get the usual pitying looks and comforting words…but then I tell them I go to Trevs, and a wholly different look of tragic sympathy comes across their face. It’s hard to watch. But Trevs is that fucking tragic I guess’

Law students have today been confirmed as intellectually superior beings to anyone who studies anything else, DuzFeed can reveal today.

The combination of having to learn a vast amount of knowledge they will never actually practice, coupled with the misplaced sense of righteousness gained from being able to ‘lawyer’ people with random stuff they learnt in first year, together set them far above people studying inferior subjects like analytic philosophy or quantum physics.

The fact that a handful of them will also go on to immensely high paying (but soulless) jobs, while most of them either do something morally worthwhile (but poor) or just abandon law altogether also contributed to law students just being much better than others.

That fucking annoying prick that keeps asking questions in your 9am is doing it for the sole reason of looking like a clever cunt, DuzFeed can reveal.

Rather than asking questions out of intellectual curiosity, or even genuine confusion, that twat is 100% just doing it because they love the sound of their own voice, and want validation from the lecturer/their peers because they never got any from their parents.

‘Oh yeah I absolutely do it for the pure buzz of everyone around me silently hating me’, said said prick when interviewed by DuzFeed, ‘I literally thrive off simultaneously thinking I look really intelligent and that I’m worthless and no one likes me’.

Your Mother has revealed that she’s only mostly completely fucking devastated that you’re leaving for uni. Whilst she understands that you have to fly the nest at some point, she’s also pretty upset that you’d abandon her like this just to get too drunk and shag, and maybe learn some stuff.

“I’m so so proud of my little one for getting into the university they dreamt of, and I can’t wait to see them flourish into a wonderful adult. That said, having raised them for the best part of two decades and devoted almost every ounce of love and energy to them, its pretty fucking heartbreaking that they’re leaving me to be lonely at home, and they’ll probably ignore my calls except when they need money’.

In other news, your father couldn’t really give two shits that you’re gone. “Oh, yeah. Hadn’t really noticed to be honest. Sure is more peaceful round here though’, he said.

A Surrey Society has been formed at Durham University to give minority students from Surrey a place to gather and share their experiences. The Society will focus on making sure new students settle into a place where there are so few people like them.

‘I just don’t feel like the people here really get me, you know?’ said Jonty, a fresher from Surrey. ‘I live in a big house in the country and was driven to my private school everyday the Range Rover, I just don’t think people here know what that’s really like. It makes it hard to bond with people on that deeper you know.’ 

DuzFeed spoke to the new Surrey Society president, Sophie, who said this: ‘our society is here to help people who feel dislocated and discriminated against at Durham. The move from Surrey to Durham can be unnatural one, with people from the county struggling to find others who have similar lives. We’re here to help with that.’

The new Society meets weekly at Flat White on Wednesdays at 3pm. Please note you must own a Barbour Jacket as proof you are from Surrey.

A male Durham fresher has solidified his status as cool by purchasing a Ralph Lauren cap, that he’s pretty sure no one else in Durham has.

‘Yeah I just saw it on-line and thought it looked cool, and hadn’t really seen anyone about wearing one, so I thought why not? Goes really well with my black North Face puffer jacket right?! Ahahaha so safe.’

Despite it being quite a risky move buying an accessory that is not yet tried and tested in the Durham market, the unnamed fresher is sure that his cap will win him fans, and not make him stand out as a ‘public school road man’ in any way.